January
23, 2010
It’s been two miserable weeks since I found out about Jerry...
It’s pathetic and dismal around here. I don’t know how to
act and neither does he.
Today we were having a simple conversation, but when I
started to say something contrary to what he was saying—actually was trying to downplay
what he was thinking—he flipped out on me. He started accusing me of always
disagreeing with him. I felt so panicked and scared.
He stopped himself mid-scream and just kept saying, “I’m
sorry. . .I’m sorry. . .” but it was so contrived. It was as if I was going to
tell on him, like a little kid.
I know he’s mad and blaming me for being the bad person. He
has this super inferiority complex. Like he thinks I think I’m better than he
is, or smarter than he is. I’m not smarter than he is. We’re just smart in
different ways.
Here’s what happened. We were talking about Jenny and I told
him how she fell and broke her glasses and she went to the hospital because she
started having some contractions.
He made the comment, “It’s Diane all over again.”
I was a little confused. Diane fell and got a spiral
fracture in her leg and took two years to recuperate. I started to say, “Well,
it’s not that bad—”
Then he flipped out! I didn’t even finish my thought or my
sentence. I was going to tell him she’s okay now.
He screamed, “You always do this!” at the top of his lungs,
clenching his fists.
My mouth shut and my eyes got big. I was just trying to enlighten him and tell him Jenny is okay.
When he gets like that, I feel like he’s going to kill me or
something. I think he’s plotting to poison me, or do something to my car so
I’ll be in an accident. Or he has a knife or a gun. Scary. Paranoid. I fear for
my life.
I realize I can’t say anything.
If he tries to have a conversation, I have to stick to saying nothing. Heaven
forbid I try to converse, and heaven forbid it’s not what he’s thinking or what
he wants me to think or say.
Then he went for a walk. I wish he would just leave and go
live somewhere else. I don’t feel safe being around him. He’s too irrational.
This is not going to work. Ha! That’s what he used to say to
me to scare me when I wasn’t doing something he wanted me to do. When I had
little kids, it did scare me. Divorce scared me. Now it’s welcome.
He came back from his walk and acted like nothing happened.
I have a feeling he probably called his girlfriend and she consoled him and he
knows he has her, blah, blah, blah.
Then the other day, Thursday, I had this horrible feeling he
was going to go to a lawyer so he could hide assets or start divorce
proceedings and that scared me.
I don’t know what scares me more—living with him, or
divorcing him.
He told me not to go to a lawyer because it would be
expensive. But I guess it’s okay for him to go to one—so he can have the upper
hand.
I’ve been reading all the verbal abuse/controlling man books
by Patricia Evans. It has made me see so clearly what he’s been doing.
According to Patricia Evans, he has this “dream woman,” who
is really his inner self that he’s projecting onto me. When I (the real woman)
don’t do what he thinks the dream woman should do, he flips out.
Oh, my gosh—that’s the story of my life!
How could I have lived like this?
I get to the point where I want to work on it. I’ve said I
should work on it, for the sake of the kids—I don’t want them to be hurt.
Then I get to the point where I know this is not going to work. I can’t live like this.
Monday we’re seeing Dr. Williams again. I honestly don’t
know what I’m going to say. I’ve got so much anger and resentment.
Please, Lord, help me
get over this quickly.
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