Thursday, April 3, 2014

Chapter Three: Devastation, Part VIII: January 2010

January 18, 2010

I went to see the counselor today, Dr. Williams. He is nice and personable. I told him I was used to going to therapy and I disliked bringing up my family, parents, siblings, because it has nothing to do with my situation with Jerry right now. I’m sure he smirked inside but he let me have my say.

I told him my side of the story. I asked him what the odds are that this marriage is going to work. He explained if we were both willing to work at it, it would work. He said he would help us have a happy marriage, or would help us through an amicable divorce. I liked that he didn’t make any promises.

However, he told me Jerry thinks I should forgive him unconditionally. He asked me how I felt about that. I told him how I always have forgiven him in the past for his abuse. I asked him if it was right to keep forgiving someone unconditionally.

He said a mother forgives a child unconditionally, but it’s not appropriate to forgive someone for being inappropriate, especially if they’re not sorry for it. I told him I agree.

Dr. Williams  told me he told Jerry it would probably take me at least two years to be able to start to trust him again. Jerry said he wasn’t willing to wait that long. I balked, visibly shaking the chair.

I said, “That clinches it then, doesn’t it? There’s no hope.” He said he would be happy to meet with us to see what happens and to be there to help us through this time. I got the feeling this guy knew more than he was telling, but maybe it will come out later. It’s nice to be able to talk to someone.

I asked him if he thought it was okay for me to get my own bank account. I told him what Dee said. He smiled and said he thought it was fine. I told him Jerry wouldn’t like it.

He said Jerry seems to do things that I don’t like, too. I smiled. This guy is very likable.

So that’s three people who said it’s okay for me to have my own account. Why do I think I need their approval? But I do. I never know if what I’m doing is right. I’m always so afraid.

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