January
29, 2010
I think I’m coming slowly to the realization that my
marriage will never work out. All that I’m reading about abuse is very
dissuading. Verbal abuse is hard to overcome, both for the abuser and the
“partner” (me).
Verbal abusers act one way in public and another at home.
Verbal abusers are charming.
Others think we have a perfect marriage. I’ve made sure of
that, too, so I am partly to blame.
Verbal abusers don’t remember abusing. How convenient.
Verbal abusers start acting nice to win you back. Once they
have you, they abuse again. That’s the story of my life.
I can’t believe he actually consulted a lawyer in December. I
guess I called that. He didn’t think about me at all—or his kids. He actually
had this affair while our kids were visiting for Christmas. He was so ready to
go when she said she loved him. My
heart is still breaking over that.
The only reason Jerry wants me to stay is for economic
purposes. I have to agree, economy is the only
reason I’m hesitating to leave. I like my standard of living. What will it be
like if I go? He’ll be a cutthroat and take all our money. I can’t let that
happen. I have to live, too.
I don’t want to end up an old lady living alone, with people
pitying me. I told him, as my husband, he’s supposed to take care of me. He
said he would. He said a lot of things lately.
I don’t want my kids to be damaged because of this. Matt
still has a mission to go on. Will he go if we divorce? I don’t know. Maybe Matt
is independent enough to realize nothing is his fault and he will go on with
life as is.
He lives close to Jake and Kate now; all out west. He is
close to Kelsie and Patrick, too, though not in geography. Maybe he has enough
love from his siblings to allow me to leave and not resent me.
Perhaps, if I leave . . .
. . . my life will be better.
. . . I will be happy and not depressed all the time.
. . . I will be creative again and not feel bad about it or
that I’m wasting my time.
. . . my health will improve because I won’t have the
battering making me sick.
. . . I will be stronger emotionally and have more
self-esteem.
. . . I will be able to feel loved again someday.
. . . nothing bad will happen.
Still, when I think about being alone, and having to work
for the rest of my life at jobs I don’t like, I get that stress release feeling
in the pit of my stomach.
Maybe I won’t get that feeling in the pit of my stomach if
I’m not around Jerry. Maybe it will take time to feel better and I’ll be strong
enough to change my life.
I need to get away. I don’t know what to do. Should I go to
Florida to visit my mom? Should I go out
west and visit my kids—and my friends out there that know about my life? They don’t know about my current strife, but
they know about what I’ve lived with thus far.
I feel so isolated not being able to talk about this—except
to the counselor and the bishop. I don’t feel like either of them really know
or grasp what has been going on for the last thirty-two years.
I keep replaying everything in my mind, trying to make some
sense of it. If I found the phone on Jan. 9, and there were over a dozen texts
that were lovey dovey, how could that change so fast so that, by Sunday, he was
accusing her of being a psycho?
I mean, Jan. 8 he was in love with her; Jan. 9 I found the
phone; Jan. 10 he told me it was all over?
Since he has this history of abuse, and manipulation, I
wonder if I’m being manipulated yet again. And for what? Money? He doesn’t want
to have to give me his precious money?
I hate money! I wish I could just leave and not have to
worry about it.
Maybe I’m as sick as he is.
No, not a chance. He’s a sicko.
I pray all the time, with a prayer in my heart all day long,
that I will know what to do and make the right decision.
I know my Father loves me. He led me to that phone on that
Saturday almost three weeks ago now. It was a sign. I can’t believe Angela at
work gave me that affirmation card and the penny and the picture of Christ
holding on to someone who helped pierce his hands and feet. I get it. He died
for me. He died for everyone. That was another sign from Heavenly Father.
But are they signs to get help to save the marriage, or to
get out of the marriage?
Do I have to be hit over the head? He’s having an affair! He
doesn’t love me anymore and never did—and certainly doesn’t care about his
family—our family. This proves it. What am I waiting for? Have courage! Be
strong and end this now! Get out while you can!
Please, Lord, please
help me. Help me face reality once and for all. Help me be strong. Please, Lord
. . .
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