Chapter Three: Devastastion, Part X, Desperately Depressed: January 2010

Please begin reading my divorce memoir from the beginning.

January 20, 2010

I am so desperately depressed, but I know my Heavenly Father loves me. I have been given too many signs and warnings and messages, just in the last week, to doubt that at all. I have to continue to rely on Him to help me through this.

I have been on my knees for weeks and months. I am in such a stupor I am on autopilot when I pray. It’s the same old thing: “Please help me to know what to do,” in twenty which-ways. I wonder if I’m allowing myself to hear any answer my H.F. might give me.

I do feel the constant company of the Holy Ghost. I can attest that the H.G. is tangible. I feel the H.G. It’s a wonder, really, that I am even worthy to have that feeling, I’m so angry inside.

I want to cry but I can’t muster it up. I’m afraid, if I start, I won’t be able to stop. It’s probably the Prozac, too. If I went off of Prozac, I don’t know what would happen. I probably wouldn’t stop crying.

I remember one time I was on another antidepressant and trying to wean myself off because it wasn’t working. I had a hard time not crying. Seeing me vulnerable at the time, Jerry tried to pick a fight with me. I remember standing at the stove, cooking. I kept telling him, “Please stop. Now is not a good time to fight.” I was a wreak. He kept on. I broke down in sobs and screamed at him. He didn’t stop. I don’t even remember what it was he was harping on. There have been so many unimportant things that man has tried me with.

At work yesterday I found a penny on the floor in the dining room. I thought, I better pick that up or one of the residents might get it and put it in his or her mouth. They’re so like children.  So I picked it up and put it on my desk.

This morning I found a bookmark with a cross on it and the Savior hugging a man. There was a saying on it with a penny taped to it. There was also a religious medal attached to it with a note that said this secret person noticed I picked up a penny. She prayed to God to help her know who needed His help. She put the penny on the floor and told God that whoever picked it up needed her prayers and her love.

Angela, one of the caregivers, poked her head in my door and asked if I got the penny. I couldn’t stop hugging her and tears flowed. She is that same caregiver who lost her phone because she couldn’t pay the bill. I felt so like I could kick myself. She is in tune with our H.F. and I am so selfish. There was eighty dollars left on that phone to use and I threw it away because I couldn’t stand to look at it.

Please forgive me, Father. Please bless her—abundantly.

Thank you, Father. Thou hast answered my prayers. I know Thou loves me and Thou art watching over me. Thou sent an angel to remind me. She is truly my angel.